Lost and Confused

Foggy Banaue Rice Terraces

After 5 years, I'm back. With nothing in my basket.
I don’t know when and how to start over. I keep throwing my life down the drain because it sucks, and I’ve been told to start with a clean slate. So I dump everything in the toilet and flush, but for some reasons, the clean slate is more complicated than my messy life. Apparently, the starting over is kinda more difficult. 

I'm still figuring out the whole ‘being alone’ thing. Some people say the more alone time you have with yourself, the more you will know yourself. But sometimes, the more I spend some alone time with myself, the more ridiculous questions I come up with. I just end up complicating my life even more. I ask a lot of questions about my past as if I can still do something to change it. And it doesn’t feel fair. 

I'm not sure what the bigger picture is. Some of my friends said "Look at the bigger picture" but the problem is, I don't know what the f*ck is the bigger picture? I’ve heard those lines more than once and I'm confused and I'm trying to figure out what the bigger picture is. 

I don’t know how to embrace the process. I guess we all don’t. I've been told countless times to embrace the process and not just focus on the goal. I was told to enjoy the journey. I was told to have fun because I'm young and life is full of surprises. But what really happens is I end up clawing my way through the journey, ruining my fancy polished nails just to get to the goal. It’s not a good way to achieve something but for people still figuring things out, this way will do. 

I'm clueless about what real success looks like. Seriously, how the hell does success look? We all want to be successful, but how can I achieve that when I don’t know what it looks like? Nor do I know how successful should exactly feel like. Well, let’s just settle on the idea that success is you waking up in the morning, knowing you have a purpose. That’s not much but that’s not nothing either. 

I suck at living and I don’t know when I'll learn. And then, when the day is over and I can finally pat myself in the back for surviving yet another roller coaster, I lay in bed and say, ‘huh?’ Because really, that’s the only relevant expression I have. I did all these things and followed all the rules, and still, I'm clueless about life. How exactly does living take place? Well, maybe nobody really knows. Maybe we’re all still figuring it out.